Jiyoung Kim / housewife
Yesterday I saw deep wrinkles in the forehead and brow of my expressionless face. At some point, I began to hate facing the mirror. I wanted to turn away from my blunt and hardened face. And as I got older, I wanted to be a person with good impressions, but I turned out to be a head strong lady.
I have endured a marriage where I felt that only loneliness and depression remained
I was married 20 years ago. It was the busy courtship that made me give up my desire to live alone. The freedom that I gave up slowly became a battle of endurance. It was at that time I believed that trading freedom for family would make me a better person. While time passed me by, I remember watching my husband busy at work while I became increasingly lonely and forgotten.
I remember going on a trip to have my own time. I left the children to my husband and boarded a train headed towards the beaches of Busan. There I sat alone in a cafe and walked along the coast. I found no joy in this escape. The place may have changed but my mind remained the same. And as I wandered, I found my mind had only held worries of my home and this made me more and more depressed.
One day my husband quit his job and started a business. My worries only became bigger. I had already suffered from creditors and lived so long with only increases in living expenses that I always felt sorry towards my children because I could not properly support them. I was anxious about falling behind in society.
Times were so hard, I couldn’t breathe. Life outside was passing by in the blink of an eye. I was becoming desperate. Despite sharing a one room apartment we couldn’t have been more apart. I lived in the regretful past and my husband lived in an uncertain future. Our two life paths were running in a parallel and seemingly opposite direction, never touching. There was no common ground between us.
Like a snowball each day my resentment and hatred grew. One day I saw images of my husband in my children and my resentment became uncontainable. I began to lose control and anger in my heart began to spill over from my husband to my children. I remember so clearly how they looked at me that day. My hateful words fell on to the confused faces of my children. My mind had become a fine strainer ever since that day. I couldn’t let go of those words and impressions I had towards my family.
I needed a brief break from life. I was living on a battlefield without guns …
It was at this time I began to focus on meditation. Looking back on my life, I remember my husband showing me love during my dating days. I would feel loneliness when I compared the past and the present. My husband had changed. He spoke of a rosy future along with feelings of regret towards his family. He only had a desire to be nice to his family and wanted to provide.
A wife who lived in the past and the husband that lived in the future now live in the same world
I had always felt anxious when I saw my husband. There had been so much resentment towards him. I’m sure he felt frustrated towards me as well for never believing in him. At some point in my life my family merely became a means to satisfy my wishes and expectations. This was when I realized I never truly loved my family as a family. When I recalled my life, it was then I felt tears across my face. My melancholy had separated me from my children and my husband. Everything was hopelessly muddled in a sad mess that I could not unravel. Strings that had once connected me to my husband and children were filled with resentment, greed and obsession.
It was after these strings began to disappear that I was able to see the true image of my family before my eyes. I had a husband who worked hard without giving up gratitude. And despite hard times, I had children who had grown up so well despite the hardships they went through. The turmoil within me had suddenly become calm and peaceful. And as my husband joined in meditation, we began to empty our minds together. After becoming empty It finally feels like we are living together now.
My husband once told me how grateful he was that we meditated and were able to live as one. I am grateful for those kind words. My child can lie on my lap as I gently rub his face. I can greet my husband and chat with him and suddenly these daily routines become precious. The more I emptied my mind the more the world around me changed.
Today I look in the mirror and see a woman in her mid-forties with a wide smile on her face. The wrinkles that have gathered on my face also look pretty. I am living with a feeling of gratitude without being sad for lacking or boasting of overflowing. I live with gratitude. I am a happy mother and wife.
Source: www.meditationlife.org
